Who's who

A significantly out of date list of Who's who at GWEFC -- points will be awarded for anyone being able to supply up to date locations for those missing in action.  Alternatively, for adding details of more recent fencers at the club.

Helen Pitt

a.k.a. The Organiser. Helen is the rock upon which the club is built. Helen comes from a long line of administrators who have distinguished themselves throughout history. Think of every major collapse in the history of civilisation: Jericho, Troy, the Roman Empire, Atlantis and so on...each one of these tragedies came about when one of Helen's descendants left her organising role on the committee to take up another position. Without her, we would be lost in the darkness of chaos, stumbling blindly with our hands outstretched, beseeching someone to lead us. Oh, and sometimes she fences foil too...

Elaine Kellett

Imagine you are walking through the countryside on a bright summer's day: birds are twittering, the sun warms your back and somewhere nearby a brook tinkles pleasantly, caressing your ear. This is how you will feel when you talk to Elaine, who will put you at ease with the charm and grace of meadow fairy. However, on the piste, she will chase you up and down with a look of sheer bloody murder scrawled across her face, Sabre cocked to do some damage. There have been one or two occasions when we've had to pull her off the prostate body of an opponent as she beat them around the head with her guard. A bit of a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on here.

Charles McBrien

a.k.a. Chucky. Now, this nickname may bring forward nasty associations with psychotic dolls. Do not discard these thoughts; you are very close to understanding the nature of the Chucky beast. This unassuming young man, speccy and kind of nerdy-looking, has a temper which makes The Incredible Hulk look like Dylan the Rabbit. Beware disagreeing with this man. Just nod your head and smile appeasingly, and you should be OK. Chucky fences foil perhaps twice a year between injuries.

Mark McKenzie

Have you ever been walking through the streets at night, and heard desperate voices cry: "Lock up your daughters! For the love of God, lock up your daughters!"? Chances are, somebody has just spotted Mark prowling the neighbourhood, greasing his hands with massage oil as he searches for innocent young flesh to seduce. Mark would probably make the commonwealth team for Men's Epee if only he didn't indulge in so much of this practice: his hands are too slippy to hold on to his weapon properly. Mark is currently the Scottish Epee champion, the West of Scotland Epee champion. Show off!

Peter Craig

a.k.a. Cyclops (you'll find out why). Have you ever been walking through the streets at night, and heard desperate voices cry...oh, we've been here before, but it's still appropriate. Despite their physical differences, Peter and Mark were seperated at birth. Peter's chat-up technique is just a little more obvious, that's all. Peter's weapon of choice is Sabre, and his technique involves something called 'beasting'. I'll leave you to work out the details.

Michael Logan

Handsome, debonair, charming, witty, intelligent... oh, all right, I'll be honest. Sometimes referred to as the ginger Ninja, and bearing a remarkable resemblence to the mutated genetic offspring of Jimmy Somerville and Chris Evans, Michael would probably be more at home playing the monster from a fifties B-movie, or the smart-arse that gets his comeuppence in every teen horror flick ever made. A perennial underachiever in his chosen weapon - Foil - Michael will never win anything, except maybe the crudest man of the year award.

Lelsey Weldon

Years of Yoga practice have enabled Lesley to keep calm in the most tense fencing situations. She can also clean her ears with her big toe, which can be quite disconcerting during a bout.

Henri Techer

A hairdresser by trade, Henri sometimes forgets to pick up his Epee and instead fights with scissors. We are trying to train this habit out of him, as we have had to bury three beginners underneath the gravel pitch thanks to this practice. Recent winner of bronze medal at Commonwealth veterans, which he has not lorded over everyone else. Me, I'd have been gloating for months.

Keith Davidson

One of the longest serving club members, Keith likes to discipline his children by bringing them into the club and letting us use them as target practice when they've been bad. Needless to say, they are very good children.

Sheila Anderson

Like Sigourney Weaver in Alien, except with a sword. Another commonwealth bronze medal winner. Nuff said.

Graeme Gillespie

a.k.a. The Scarlet Pimpernel. Graeme is famed for his sporadic appearances in the club, taking several months off at a time to go and rescue French aristocrats from the guillotine, or something like that. He never tells us where he has been, only comes and goes like a badger in the night.

Colin Coventry

I'm scared of Colin, so I won't say anything at all about him.

Ewen Coventry

Son of Colin, yet somehow he has managed to avoid being quite so fierce. Father and Son have a very competitive relationship; Ewen once spent three weeks in hospital after undergoing an operation to remove fourteen tiddlywinks from a very private place.

Scott Wheeler

Scott is now one of the club's many invisible fencers, largely due to the fact that he has recently sprogged and is up to his ears in poopy nappies. At least he still has a bad smell to remind him of fencing.

Isobel Jolie

Once again, a fairly new fencer, whose most endearing quality is the remarkable squeak she emits when you wave a foil in her direction.

Joan Dobbie

Fierce like tiger. Cunning like Fox. Fluffy like bellybutton.

Lorraine King

Scooter owning Lorraine is the club mod (err, for no other reason than the aforementioned scooter). She might have a parka somewhere, but if so she is keeping it under wraps.

Ross Whittle

Like a big, cuddly panda, Ross wields his epee like a sharpened bamboo shoot being used to ward off potential interlopers onto his turf.

Stuart Whittle

Son of Ross, quieter than Scott, so exempt from attack.

Claire McCue

Claire is not only a top-notch businesswoman, but also a cheerleader for the Claymores. As of yet, she has not developed any cheers for the club, but we are hopeful. Her favourite fencing move is to blind you with her pom-poms before doing the splits and ramming her foil in the general direction of the genital area. Effective and painful.

Natalie Grant

When she isn't out saving the world by doing lots of work for chariddy (which she doesn't like to talk about), Nats is a budding champion Epeeist. Not content with winning a medal at her first competition, she has decided to humiliate all of the men in the club by beating them. Needless to say, we aren't going to take this lying down. We're just going to run away and not fence her again.

Katie Wilkie

The resident bookworm, Katie has already amassed a huge library of fencing tomes. Although she hasn't had enough time to absorb all of this information, she uses these books to good effect by building a wall between her and her opponent. If this wall is breached, she isn't afraid to clobber you over the head with the heaviest, dustiest hardback she can find, then poke you in the chest while you recover.